stress vs time graph.

we start of with the slow incline of stress when we start the year. stress levels are already slightly elevated even at time 0 due to the type of personality that enters med school- type As.
First episode of panic attack is a mild one when school administrators starts briefing us about our impending exams.
then the first major attack is when you notice your batchmates all getting stressed out about it.

The incline gets steeper when revision starts and you realise how much you have no clue about. panic attacks are more frequent now.

major "OH SH!T" moment is when you start counting down DAYS (not months or weeks) and realise the amount of crap you have to go through. i start posting "i am so stressed; i am doomed; i am stupid" entries on my blog. pace of studying steps up significantly.

then stress goes down when you realise, "hey actually, i do know something now" and the belief is validated when you start having group study sessions. unfortunately, pace of studying slows down significantly (scrubs has taken over my life yet again).

the last major panic moment is on exam day, outside the hall. that episode of panic is of sheer terror- the one that plagues every medical student when they are stood outside the OSCE stations literally feeling like they are going to pee themselves. we all have signs of an adrenaline storm- dry throat, cold clammy hands, blood pressure and heart rate through the roof and blood rushes to our amygdala instead of our cortexes, where all our hard earned knowledge is stored. instead of muttering the answer that we know, in our heads we are trying our best to suppress the natural urge to scream and run away. or maybe for some people, punch the examiner's face. it's not called fight or flight response for nothing.

finally, when the final station is done and over, the stress levels finally swoop down to 0. seriously, it's like someone finally opening the windows in a very very musty room. the relief that comes..... best feeling ever.


wish me the best of luck guys. finals in 3 days :) can't wait for this to be done and over
  

hate stupid neurology.

ARGHHHHH. WHY AM I NOT SMARTER?

or rather, why am i not a supercomputer with 10000 terrabytes worth of memory space?
if only i can fit the whole kumar and clarke which is about 200mb max? in pdf form into my brain.

this means that my storage capacity is less than 200mb :( even my tiny thumbdrive has more space than that




depressing 

Must be just me. I did not get any hits when i googled perpetual stupidity in medicine.

I am perpetually stupid. No amount of reading can save me. My brain has a limited capacity and I feel I have reached my limit.somehow, as the years pass, i feel as though my brain has slowly atrophied into a hollow mess.
Worse still, i have accepted it as the feeling of incompetence compared to my peers is more painful than actually accepting i'm just stupid.

i feel stupid and probably look stupid

studying for the past 2 months has made me no smarter than I was then

everything I read now is not sticking and I'm just having a major mental block and contemplating if jumping through my bedroom window is a better way out.

obviously my bedroom window is too tiny and it won't open more than 2 inches at most.

the moment when a 3rd year medical student pimped me in rounds is probably why I'm having this horrible feeling of falling down a rabbit hole of depression.
yeah, a 3rd year med student made me look pretty bad not once, but twice

and i just don't know my shit enough. 5 years of doing this crap and I still don't know my shit.

and hey, i didn't realise the consultant I made a fool of myself was actually the dean. the 3rd year pointed it out later..... :(



i'm really curious why I haven't failed while people I feel are better than me have. I feel like I've always just been really lucky every time. well, my mom said my year of the snake I will have bad luck. maybe this time?

:(

i just don't know enough. i don't think if I ever will 

Reading about lung cancer, i remembered a patient i spoke to in 3rd year. I think he was the 2nd patient i spoke to in the UK. He was a kind old man, patiently answering my clumsy questions and my awkward examination skills (and my cold hands). We spent a long time talking, with me struggling with my history taking and being in 3rd year where we were allowed to spend ages with a patient, he talked to me about his children and his time in Malaya. Then, i was less concerned about the diagnosis and probably taken more complete histories and more thorough examinations. That's how i found out he was a palliative patient and was planning to go on a cruise to spend his last few 'good' days.

Now it's all about getting the right diagnosis and i no longer remember to stop and get to know the patient :(

I should try changing that. They say they want caring doctors and yet our exams are designed to ensure we spend minimum time with the patients (history/examination stations are 6-8 minutes!) . It's designed so that we spend the least amount of time to get the most accurate diagnosis, so that we become fast and efficient workers, getting to see huge amounts of patients in a day. And people complain that doctors dont hear them, that we've become cold and uncaring. Well, our education does just that. Instead of asking us to actually just care, we now have classes where we are shown ways to feign care (eye contact eventhough we're not actually listening, repeating the patient's words eventhough all we caught was the key phrases (eg you may say a million things but the doctors only hear the buzz words like cough and pain. We dont care about your mother visiting you later that day or about your missing cat)

The patient i was talking about had mesothelioma and he is probably gone now.

RIP

I'll try to remember to stop the hustle and bustle going on in my head and just listen to the patient next time